I’m not sure how much this post has to do with gardening. At least, directly. I’m sure my impatience and the different types of pain I’m feeling are experiences I’ve also had and will have again in the garden. But for right now, I’m really thinking about the entire picture of my life, not just the one I look at with a gardening lens.

The last two weeks have been compounding on me. They’ve been a little tough. Tougher than recent weeks past. It may very well be the growth, stretching and weight gain that’s come from being in the 30th week of my pregnancy. It may be some of the anxiety I’m feeling because I’m not logistically and materialistically prepared yet for winter, my delivery and the welcoming of our new child. Once again, I am feeling uncomfortable almost all the time. My hips and ankles are painfully sore by mid-afternoon, whether I’m seated, standing or lying down. And, I definitely feel like I need some filling up. Energetically, spiritually. I’m sure I’m nesting, but I’ve got no time or energy for it after work, baby class, cooking meals, walking the dog, etc. And that acknowledged yet unfulfilled impulse is stressing me out. I want to be filling up by checking off my still scarily long list of baby and householding to-dos; I’m really starting to feel anxious about finishing them. (Heck, in some cases, starting them.) And, oddly, I am finding myself longing for the holidays to be here already. I want the piney green and lushness of our Christmas tree to be filling our downstairs. I’m eager to pot up some paperwhites and an amaryllis. And we’re not even through pumpkin and mum season yet. Where is all this restlessness coming from?

Maybe, I just want my body back. I haven’t had a good sweat in… I don’t know how long. Maybe I just want to be out back whacking down the bushes on our patio, removing that rock “mulch” and fabric weed barrier, composting our soil. I know I want to be sewing some floral curtains for our little girl’s room, embroidering and sewing her a doll and bibs. I want to be finishing the cloth napkins and seasonal tablecloth I’ve started in time for Halloween and Thanksgiving. I still need to finish the Fall wreath I started two weeks ago. I have apple galettes to bake and green tomato chutney to put up. I want to be able to bend over to transfer a load of wash or pick up dog poo without discomfort and strain. I want to snuggle with my hubby again and not have to ask for help hauling myself up out of the sofa… I want I want I want.

Related posts:

1. Maternity Leave & Blessings
2. Today’s Meditation
3. Forget about natives… I’m growing ferns.
4. Kieran Egan on Pre-work in Zen Gardens (and Life)